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Our Relationships section has many articles by couples counselors. This is one example of the material we have. Please check out the The Healing Power of Friends, Families, and Lovers.

Solution Focused Brief Couple Therapy

By Judith Fraser, MFT

Female Client: "He leaves Playboys around the house and constantly makes comments about women's attributes. That makes me feel insecure. I can't trust him and I don't even want him to touch me!"

Male Client: "She's too suspicious. I don't want to feel like a trained dog!"

Therapist: "How would you know you could trust him?"

Female Client: "He'd take time just for me and not leave those da___ books around."

Therapist: "What would change in you if this occurred?"

Female Client: "I'd feel freer to move into the world, maybe go back to school and make a career change."

Therapist: "Can you do that anyway?"

This is a possible dialogue between a couple who are in trouble. They want to feel better about themselves, but problems get in the way.

Therapy is about empowering, not fixing or solving the problem. In relationships, we can't control what the other does. We can change ourselves.

As we make positive changes, reach out into new directions we feel better about ourselves. These new moves then become building blocks for a continual progression of expansion into the community and the world at large. Change is an important word. When the relationship isn't working trying something new may be enough in itself.

Female Client: "I want him to be more relaxed when I spend the night with him. He fidgets and it makes me nervous."

Therapist: "How would you be different if he was more relaxed?"

Female Client: "I'd do a few more things on my own. I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving now and then."

Therapist: "Anything else?"

Female Client: "We wouldn't just fight when a problem came up. We'd sit down and work it through logically."

Therapist: "How would you be different if you worked problems through logically?"

Female Client: "I'd feel more centered, less scattered. I'd respect myself and him more."

Couple therapy can be done with couples or with individuals. One committed person can make positive changes in themselves that reflect back on the relationship. Small changes lead to larger changes. One step at a time is the goal. Each therapy session is treated as a whole in itself. Human beings, like seeds of a tree, are filled with the potential for expansion. Don't force the tender shoots, water them. Let them feel the sunshine of your presence. Their spirit will find it's way.

Step one. What is the desired outcome or goal? Not what is wanted or not wanted in the other person, but in the self.

Step two. Build on the success of individual change. Become aware of the small things that shift. Acknowledge the good things, write them down, talk about them.

Step three. Do something different. Change means not standing still.

Suggested reading: Solution-Focused Brief Therapy by Jane Peller, LCSW and John Walter, LCSW, and listening: Relationships, audiotape by Judith Fraser, MFT.

Judith Fraser is in private practice at (323) 656-9800. She specializes in creative, holistic therapy with individuals and couples.

© 2003, Judith Fraser, MFT