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Letting Go of Our Adult Children

When What We Do Is Never Enough

ByArlene F. Harder, MA, MFT

As many other parents have discovered, there are no guarantees that our children will turn out the way we expected.  For starters, we may unintentionally fail our children in some fundamental way so they aren't really able to meet the standards we hold for them.  Even more, because they have minds of their own, they can choose a lifestyle that we don't approve of or that we feel is less than they are capable of achieving.

Whatever the cause, in my case I had to deal with a son who became an alcoholic, chose for a time to live on the streets, and for a variety of reasons did not work for a living.  As I struggled with tremendous guilt—and eventually came to terms with the reality of how my child had chosen to live his life—I realized that the road to letting go progressed through several essential steps.

I used this understanding in my private practice when I worked with parents whose grown children had a variety of problems.  Then, incorporating what I learned from my clients and after interviewing many parents, some of whom were satisfied with the lives of their grown children, I wrote a book called "Letting Go of Our Adult Children:  When What We Do Is Never Enough," published by Bob Adams, Inc. in 1994. Because the book is now out of print, I have decided to put the entire book on the Internet.

PLEASE NOTE: I realize that it's easy to copy material off the Internet and I give you permission to copy my book for private use.  However, since I've put a lot of effort into writing this book and making it available for free, I would sure appreciate your adherence to copyright laws.  Thanks.

Table of Contents

Introduction

PART ONE:  Getting Caught up in Our Expectations

Chapter 1:  Something Unexpected Happened on the Way to My Ideal Family

Chapter 2:  When Children March to Different Drummers

Chapter 3:  The Parenting Game

Chapter 4:  Letting Go:  Easier Said Than Done

PART TWO:  Letting Go Leads to Peace

Chapter 5:  Shifting Your Focus

Chapter 6:  The Velcro Syndrome

Chapter 7:  The Heart Slowly Heals

Chapter 8:  Letting Go With Love

Chapter 9:  Closure When Reconciliation Is Not Possible

Appendix

— © Copyright 1994, 2002, Arlene F. Harder, MA, MFT —